Straight, rich, old, white man and eHarmony Founder, Neil Clark Warren is “tired of [same-sex marriage]”

I know you’ve seen those commercials. We all have. They’re full of grinning idiots waxing on about their happy lives and fulfilling relationships, delighted about how they have found their real true love, and you can too. That is, unless you’re gay.

eHarmony, the massively popular dating site isn’t for everyone – and the founders have made that abundantly clear. After a series of lawsuits alleging anti-gay discrimination, New Jersey ruled against the misled matchmakers in 2005, insisting that they open their service up to same-sex couples. Ultimately, they created a distinct site, Compatible Partners available to same sex couples “looking for meaningful, long-term relationships.”

In a recent interview for Yahoo! Finance Blog, Off the Cuff, eHarmony founder, CEO, and bigot extraordinaire, Neil Clark Warren has taken his discriminatory beliefs one step further. He says: “I think this issue of same-sex marriage within the next five to 15 years will be no issue anymore. We’ve made too much of it. I’m tired of it. It has really damaged our company.” Has it? Is that because people don’t want to do business with a bigot? Or, as he claims, because the bigots he caters to are angry that he had to extend services to same-sex couples. Either way, I’d like him to know that I’m tired too. I’m tired of listening to people talk about my life with my partner as thought it was destructive to the country, as though our quiet, fiscally responsible, perfectly ordinary life was bringing hellfire down around nice straight folks.

I’m optimistic that Mr. Warren is indeed right, and that in only five to fifteen years we won’t need to talk about same-sex marriage, because common sense will have prevailed, and same-sex relationships all over the United States will receive the legal recognition that they rightfully deserve. What I enjoy most of all, is that he believes that “we’ve made too much” of the fight to extend legal rights to gay couples, rights that he share the legal rights that he shares with his wife. No wonder he’s tired. It must be exhausting to keep people in the back of the proverbial bus. When people in power fight to deny the equality of gay couples, they are perpetuating a medieval and destructive social paradigm that causes real harm.

In fact, his bad opinion goes so far as to imagine that our lives are all miserable, and that we are just dying for some millionaire asshat to swoop in with big bucks and “figure us all out.”

“I have said that eHarmony really ought to put up $10 million and ask other companies to put up money and do a really first class job of figuring out homosexuality. At the very best, it’s been a painful way for a lot of people to have to live.”

He seems as delusional as the people in his commercials, so I hate to burst his inept and myopic bubble, but being gay isn’t painful; it’s sort of fabulous. (You should see my shoes!) It’s not clear why Jesus wants him to hate gay people so much, nor is it clear just what he’d do when he does figure us fags out, but I’m hopeful that it involves brunch.

Jared Bieschke is a certified Project Manager, etiquette specialist and calligrapher. He also owns J. Bieschke Events in Washington, DC, specializing in same-sex weddings and other life events. You can see more advice, ideas and “tips of the trade” on his website,, Tumblr blog, Twitter and Pinterest.

Jared and his partner divide their time between Rehoboth Beach and Washington, DC.


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